Why you don’t feel like yourself anymore
Many mothers arrive at a point when they realise they don’t quite recognise themselves anymore. It’s often difficult to explain.
From the outside, life might look exactly as they imagined it would. They love their children. They’re doing well at work. They’re keeping the family moving. They’re managing all the things they once thought they would.
And yet something feels different.
The life that used to fit doesn’t fit in quite the same way anymore.
Perhaps you’ve found yourself questioning your career when you never expected to, or wondering why you’re no longer motivated by goals that once mattered deeply to you. Maybe you’re making decisions differently, feeling more emotional than you used to, or carrying a constant tension between the different parts of your life.
Many women assume they’re simply tired, overwhelmed, not organised enough or not coping as well as they should.
But often, something much deeper is happening.
Understanding the Motherhood Identity Shift
This is one of the reasons learning about matrescence can feel like such a relief.
It gives women language for an experience that has been difficult to explain.
Motherhood doesn’t just change your daily routine and responsibilities.
It changes you.
Your identity evolves. Your relationships. Your priorities. Your values. Your ambitions. The way you experience work. The way you think about success. Even the way you make decisions.
When we understand matrescence, we can stop asking, “What’s wrong with me?” and begin asking, “What’s happening to me?”
That doesn’t suddenly solve the challenges of motherhood, but it changes the way we understand them.
When we believe we’re the problem, we naturally focus on fixing ourselves. We search for better systems or try to become more organised. We tell ourselves we need to be more resilient, more patient, more grateful or simply better at juggling everything.
In short, we assume the answer is to learn to cope better.
But understanding matrescence invites us to ask different questions instead.
When the questions begin to change
Instead of asking, “How do I become the woman I was before children?” we begin asking, “Who am I becoming now?”
Instead of asking, “How do I fit everything back into the life I had before?” we begin asking, ”What kind of life reflects who I am now?”
Instead of asking, “How do I stop feeling guilty?” we begin asking, “What expectations am I trying to live up to?”
Those questions don’t always bring immediate clarity. Sometimes they create uncertainty instead, because once you recognise that you’ve changed, it’s difficult to keep living exactly as you did before.
The In-Between Space
This is one of the most challenging parts of the motherhood identity shift.
Matrescence places us in a liminal space: no longer quite the woman we were before motherhood, but not yet fully knowing who we’re becoming. It can feel like standing between two versions of yourself, with no clear map for what comes next.
When you’re in this liminal space, it can be tempting to believe you need to “get back to yourself”, but matrescence invites you to move forward.
This stage can feel unsettling and confusing because there are likely more questions than certainty (and the brain sees uncertainty as a threat). Feeling unsettled and confused isn’t a sign you’re going backwards. It’s a sign you’re beginning to understand yourself more deeply. And that’s where the real work begins.
Understanding Isn’t the Same as Living Differently
Understanding isn’t the same as integration. Understanding helps us make sense of our experience. Integration is what happens as we begin living differently.
Many of us have spent years building a life around certain expectations and ideas. We made plans. We followed the path we thought we were supposed to take. We built careers, relationships and routines based on what mattered to us at the time, and what we believed success should look like.
Learning about matrescence doesn’t suddenly erase those plans and expectations. It helps you see them more clearly, and gives you choices you didn’t have before.
That can feel uncomfortable because it asks us to reconsider things we’ve taken for granted for years. It may mean questioning decisions that once felt right, letting go of old definitions of success, or giving ourselves permission to want something different in this season of life.
Not everything needs to change, but we have the opportunity to choose more intentionally and therefore, live differently.
You can begin asking yourself:
- Does this still fit the woman I’m becoming?
- Is this expectation one I’ve consciously chosen, or one I’ve inherited?
- What matters most to me in this season of my life?
I’ve found these questions create meaningful change because they help us make decisions that are more aligned with who we are now, rather than who we think we’re supposed to be.
Learning to Live from Your New Understanding
This is one of the reasons I don’t believe women need another expert telling them exactly what to do.
There isn’t one perfect way to navigate motherhood or one perfect career decision. There isn’t one perfect way to manage work and family.
What I do believe is that we all need opportunities to slow down long enough to hear ourselves beneath the noise. To separate our own voice from everyone else’s expectations and to become curious about what’s driving our decisions instead of automatically responding from guilt, habit or pressure.
When we understand ourselves more accurately, we begin making different decisions.
You say no without feeling the need to justify yourself.
You ask for help instead of convincing yourself you should manage alone.
You make space for something you’ve missed.
You redefine what success looks like in this season of your life.
You have a conversation you’ve been avoiding.
You change the way you work.
You let go of an expectation you’ve carried for years.
You choose a different direction.
None of those decisions happen because someone hands you the right answer. They happen because you begin trusting yourself to find it.
The goal of the motherhood identity shift is not to become the woman you were before children or to become someone completely different. It’s to understand yourself well enough that the life you’re creating reflects the woman you are now, while making space for the woman you’re still becoming.
That takes reflection, conversations, thoughtful decisions and giving yourself permission to keep evolving.
If learning about matrescence has helped you make sense of your experience, hold onto that. It’s a significant and important step.
You don’t need to have all the answers today, and you don’t need a perfectly mapped-out plan for the future. That was a hard one for me to accept.
For now, perhaps the next step is simply to stay curious. To ask questions even when the answers aren’t yet coming. To keep noticing what feels true. To question the expectations that no longer fit. And to trust that, over time, clarity grows from understanding yourself, not rushing yourself.
0 Comments