Why it’s so hard to ask for help

“Can you help me?”

Four little words. They seem so simple yet mothers everywhere find them near impossible to say.

What makes it hard is the meaning we attribute to asking for help. Without that meaning, asking for help is a neutral activity, neither positive or negative. It just is.

But it often doesn’t feel like that, does it?

Asking for help can make us feel vulnerable.

 

 

Here’s what I’ve learned about why asking for help is so hard. Over time, many of us come to associate asking for help with certain meanings. Those meanings don’t appear out of nowhere. They’re shaped by our experiences, the expectations we’ve absorbed and the roles we’ve learned to play.

Here are five of the most common meanings I see women attach to asking for help in my coaching work:

 

1. If I ask for help, I’m failing, not coping or not a good enough mum

The standards society sets for mums are unrealistically high. We’re told that we need to be the loving and attentive primary carer for our children 24/7, maintain a house worthy of inclusion in a magazine, have a successful career, stay fit, slim, youthful and beautiful, have a healthy, loving relationship with our partner, have a thriving social life, volunteer at school, cook everything from scratch and invest in our own self care and personal interests.  All with a smile and definitely no help.

Many mothers are also trying to meet two sets of expectations at the same time. The expectations of the “good mother” tell us we should always be focused on our children, patient and selfless. The expectations of the “ideal worker” tell us we should be fully committed to our work, always available and unaffected by our responsibilities outside work. Both ask for an extraordinary amount from women, and together they create impossible standards. It’s no wonder asking for help can start to feel like evidence that we’re not coping.

Let’s be honest, this is more than one person can manage. The standards are unrealistic but they are so deeply internalised in society we don’t question them. Instead, we question ourselves. “Why can’t I do this? What’s wrong with me? I should be able to do all this.” We fear judgement about how we don’t meet the standards and guilty for needing help. 

I know it looks like the mums around you have it all together. I know social media seems to present you with lots of evidence of this.

Social media rarely shows the full picture. Every family has seasons where they need support, even if we don’t see it.

That doesn’t make us bad mums or failures. That makes us normal human beings. We are social creatures who need each other and who thrive in community. It’s normal to need and ask for help. 

 

 

2. If I ask for help, I might be rejected 

Even when we know someone might be willing to help, asking can still feel risky.

Our brains are wired to protect us from experiences that threaten connection or belonging. If asking for help feels like it could lead to rejection, embarrassment or disapproval, it’s understandable that we hesitate.

Sometimes rejection looks like someone saying no. Sometimes it’s a sigh, an eye roll or a reluctant “I suppose so.” If you’ve experienced those responses before, your brain may understandably become more cautious about asking again.

It helps to remember where your responsibility begins and ends.

You can only take responsibility for your side of the interaction. That includes recognising when you need support, choosing someone you trust, and asking respectfully.

The other person gets to decide whether they can help. They are allowed to say yes, no or “not right now.” They are also responsible for managing any feelings they have about your request. They are allowed to feel disappointed, stretched or unable to help. Those feelings don’t mean you shouldn’t have asked.

A “no” doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve asked for too much or damaged the relationship. It may simply mean they don’t have the time, energy, resources or confidence to help in that moment.

Asking for help always carries some vulnerability. But vulnerability isn’t a sign you’ve done something wrong. It’s part of being in relationship with other people.

 

 

3. If I ask for help, I’m a burden

Many women don’t ask for help because they’ve already decided it will make someone else’s life harder.

They look at their partner, a friend, a parent or a colleague and think, “They’re already busy enough.” Or “I don’t want to add to their plate.” So they carry on, convincing themselves it’s easier to do it alone.

The interesting thing is that we’ve made the decision for the other person before they’ve even had a chance to respond.

Asking for help isn’t the same as expecting someone to say yes. It’s simply giving them the opportunity to decide whether they have the time, capability, energy or willingness to help.

There have been times when I haven’t been asked for help, and I’ve genuinely wished I had been. I would have loved to lighten someone’s load, but they made the decision for me.

Think about how you feel when someone you care about asks you for help. Most of the time, if you have the capacity, you’re probably pleased they trusted you enough to ask. Helping people we care about often strengthens our relationships and gives us a sense of purpose and connection.

Of course, there are times when people genuinely don’t have the capacity to help. But we can’t know that until we ask.

 

4. If I ask for help, I’ll have to repay the helper

I once experienced a huge breakthrough in relation to receiving. I sometimes found it hard to receive, and I realised that it was because I associated receiving with having to give something in return. Once I was able to decouple these two things, I was free to receive with gratitude.

Sometimes we feel that asking for help makes us indebted to the helper. If we know we don’t have the capacity or capability to repay the debt,  or we don’t know how to help them, it will feel safer not to enter this debt at all.

In reality, people often don’t expect anything in return for providing help, especially not in a one-for-one exchange. In my friendships, we have an ongoing exchange of help where we understand that if anyone needed help and we had the capacity to give it, we would. There’s no need to keep score. 

Research shows that simply saying “thank you” is highly valued, as it shows the helper they’re needed and boosts their feelings of social worth. Sharing our strengths, skills, experience and resources also makes us feel good about ourselves.

Healthy relationships aren’t built on keeping score. They are built on trust that support will flow in different directions at different times. 

 

 

5. If I ask for help, I have to let go of control

Asking for help does require a letting go of control and this can be uncomfortable.

Have you ever said: “I’m the only one who does it properly so I may as well just do it myself”?

There are certainly times when the way something is done really matters. Safety, health or values may mean there isn’t much room for flexibility.

But there are also times when we’ve become so used to doing something a particular way that it starts to feel like the only acceptable way.

Sometimes that’s because perfectionism is getting in the way. Sometimes it’s because we’ve received criticism in the past and feel responsible if something goes wrong. Sometimes it’s because it’s genuinely quicker to do it ourselves. And sometimes the people around us haven’t stepped forward consistently, so we’ve stopped expecting them to.

In some situations, this can contribute to what researchers call maternal gatekeeping. Maternal gatekeeping refers to behaviours that can unintentionally limit another person’s involvement, such as constantly correcting them, giving detailed instructions for every task, or believing you’re the only one who can do it “properly.”

Maternal gatekeeping is only one piece of the puzzle. The willingness and confidence of other adults to take responsibility also matters. Sustainable support is built when everyone is encouraged to contribute and share responsibility.

If we want sustainable support, we need to create space for other people to contribute. That doesn’t mean lowering standards that genuinely matter. It does mean recognising that there is often more than one acceptable way to achieve the same outcome. When people are trusted to find their own way, they’re often more willing to keep showing up and sharing the load.

 

 

Asking for help is a sign of strength

The meaning I choose to assign to asking for help is that it is a sign of strength.

When you ask for help, it shows that you:

• Know yourself – what you can handle, what you’re good at and what you need help with.
• Respect yourself enough to look after your physical, emotional and mental wellbeing.
• Have the courage to let yourself be vulnerable and admit you can’t do it all yourself. 
• Are willing to be authentic (the real you).

People don’t necessarily know or see what you need without you telling them (this includes your partner). You might look like you have everything under control or they might just be preoccupied with their own life. This doesn’t mean they wouldn’t want to help you if they became aware that you needed it.

It’s also helpful to know that relationships are strengthened by the giving and receiving of help. It actually benefits both parties.

The strongest people I know aren’t the ones who never need support. They’re the ones who know when carrying everything alone is no longer sustainable.

What is currently standing in the way of you asking for help?

What meaning are you going to choose to attribute to asking for help?

 

If you’re ready to ask for help but you’re not sure how, then check out my post on this topic.