How to manage external expectations that aren’t right for you

How often do you stop to question whether the things you think you should do are actually right for you?

Maybe you think you should take on more responsibility at work, even though you already feel stretched.

Maybe you feel you should attend a family event because everyone expects you to go, even though you really don’t want to.

Maybe you’re feeling pressure to get your pre-baby body back, without ever stopping to ask yourself whether that’s something that actually matters to you.

For many women, considering what other people need and expect becomes so automatic that we don’t always notice we’re doing it. We think about what will make life easier for everyone else. We anticipate how people might respond to our choices. We try to avoid disappointing anyone. We focus on what we think we should do. 

And somewhere in all of that, what we want, need or value the most can become much harder to hear.

Motherhood can make this even more complicated.

Why the expectations of others can feel so powerful in motherhood

We live in a culture with very strong ideas about what we should do and how we should be, and therefore, we all live within expectations.

They come from our families, workplaces, friendships and communities. They also come from the culture we live in and the messages we’ve absorbed over many years about what it means to be a good mother, partner, employee, daughter or friend.

Some are explicit. Someone tells you what they think you should do.

Others are much harder to see.

You may have absorbed the idea that a good mother should always put her children first. That being successful at work means being endlessly available. That a good daughter doesn’t disappoint her parents. That capable women should be able to manage everything without needing too much help.

These expectations can become so familiar that they stop feeling like expectations at all.

They start feeling like facts.

These expectations exist before you become a mother, and then you enter your matrescence – a period of significant transformation and identity change. As you change, some of the expectations, roles and definitions of success that once fitted you may no longer fit in quite the same way.

At the same time, becoming a mother introduces a whole new set of ideas about who you should be and how you should live.

No wonder decisions can become complicated.

 

Sometimes the expectation isn’t coming from someone else anymore

When we talk about the expectations of others, it’s easy to imagine an overbearing relative, a demanding boss or someone making a judgemental comment at the school gate.

Sometimes that’s exactly what is happening.

But external expectations can also become internalised.

Nobody needs to tell you that you should volunteer at school, keep the house tidy, be available for your children, maintain your friendships, perform well at work and remember everyone’s birthdays if you’ve already learned that these are things a good mother or capable woman does.

The voice saying “you should” may now sound remarkably like your own.

That’s why simply telling women to stop caring what other people think isn’t particularly helpful.

Before you can decide whether an expectation is right for you, you need to recognise where your idea of what you should do is coming from.

 

 

Whose expectation is this?

When you’re feeling pulled in different directions, slow the decision down enough to become curious about what’s underneath it.

Ask yourself:

• What do I think I should do here?
• Where did that expectation come from? (Think about your family, workplace, friends, social media, the way you were raised, or the messages you’ve absorbed about being a “good mother” or successful woman.)
• Does it reflect what is most important to me (the things I value most)?
• What would I choose if I wasn’t trying to prove that I was a good mother, employee, partner or person, or if I wasn’t trying to avoid disappointing someone?

You don’t need to dismiss an expectation simply because it came from somewhere outside you.

Some expectations reflect commitments and responsibilities that genuinely matter to us. Sometimes we choose to do something we would rather not do because we care about another person or because it supports something important to us.

The question is whether you are making that choice consciously.

 

Why guilt can make you question a good decision

This is where things often become difficult.

You decide not to attend something. You tell your manager you can’t regularly work beyond your agreed hours. You ask your partner to take responsibility for something you’ve always managed. You make a parenting choice your family doesn’t agree with.

Then guilt arrives.

And we often interpret the guilt as evidence:

Maybe I’m:

• Being selfish.
• Making the wrong decision.
• Failing.
• Not good enough.
• A bad mum/employee/partner/etc.

Guilt is worth listening to, but it isn’t always telling you that you’ve done something wrong.

Sometimes guilt alerts us that we’ve acted against our values or caused harm and need to repair something.

At other times, it appears because we’ve acted differently from an expectation we’ve carried for a long time.

If you’ve spent years equating being a good person with being helpful and available, saying no may feel deeply uncomfortable even when your decision is reasonable.

The discomfort is real. The conclusion you draw from it deserves examination.

Instead of asking only, “Do I feel guilty?”, ask:

“Have I actually done something that goes against my values, or have I done something that goes against an expectation?”

Those are very different questions.

 

You won’t always have complete freedom to choose

There’s another important part of this conversation that can get lost in advice about boundaries and “choosing yourself”.

Our choices don’t happen in a vacuum.

Money matters. Caring responsibilities matter. Workplace policies matter. Relationships matter. The availability and cost of childcare matter. Other people’s needs sometimes genuinely need to be considered.

You may recognise that an expectation doesn’t work for you and still decide that, for now, you need to meet some of it.

That doesn’t mean the reflection was pointless.

Understanding the forces shaping your decisions helps you see where you have choice, where you might be able to negotiate, and where the constraint is real.

Agency doesn’t require pretending you have unlimited options.

 

When you decide an expectation isn’t right for you

Sometimes your reflection will lead you to a fairly clear conclusion: I don’t want to keep doing this.

Then comes the uncomfortable part. Someone else may not like your decision.

You can communicate it clearly and respectfully without constructing an argument designed to make the other person agree with you.

Depending on the situation, that might sound like:

• “I can’t commit to that at the moment.”
• “We’ve decided to handle this differently.”
• “I’m not available outside those hours.”
• “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’ll say no this time.”
• “I understand you’d prefer something different. This is what works for us.”

Notice that none of these requires a lengthy defence.

Explaining yourself repeatedly can become an attempt to remove the discomfort of someone disagreeing with you, but sometimes they will still disagree. You can listen to their perspective and reconsider your decision if they raise something important. You are also allowed to stick with the decision you already made. You’ve made it for a reason.

 

Other people’s disappointment doesn’t automatically mean you’ve made the wrong choice

For many women, this is where the real work is.

We can know intellectually that we’re allowed to say no and still find another person’s disappointment incredibly difficult to tolerate.

If you’re used to being reliable, helpful or accommodating, changing the pattern can affect the people who benefited from the old one. They may need time to adjust.

You can care about someone’s feelings without automatically making those feelings your responsibility to fix.

 

The goal isn’t to stop being influenced by other people

We’re human. We live in families, workplaces and communities. Of course other people’s needs, opinions and expectations affect us.

You don’t need to ignore or disregard them, but it’s important to learn to notice how much authority you’re giving them.

Motherhood can bring so many expectations with it that somewhere along the way you can lose sight of yourself. You become very good at knowing what everyone needs from you and much less certain about what matters to you.

Finding your way back means getting better at noticing the expectations you’re carrying, questioning the ones that no longer fit, and making more intentional decisions about which ones you are willing to live by.

You may still feel guilty sometimes. You may disappoint people. You may change your mind as your circumstances and priorities change.

The aim isn’t to make every decision without discomfort.

It’s to understand what is shaping your decisions so that your life isn’t being built around expectations you never consciously chose.