By the time you’ve finished work, sorted out dinner, spent time with your children and dealt with everything else that needs your attention at home, the suggestion to “make time for yourself” can feel almost absurd.
You may already know what would help. Perhaps you’d like a proper break, or some time when nobody needs you, but finding room for that is difficult when your day is full of responsibilities you can’t simply abandon.
It’s even harder if arranging the opportunity for self-care is solely your responsibility too. Sometimes the effort involved in creating space for self-care can mean that it’s all too much.
If you can relate to this, you’re not alone. Modern working motherhood places many demands on women, and it can be genuinely difficult to figure out how t care for yourself in the midst of it all.
That’s why I recommend starting with small acts of care that address your real needs. These small acts can carry you through especially demanding seasons, while being the foundation on which to build when you have more capacity.
Begin with what you need
When time is limited, it’s tempting to reach for whatever counts as self-care and hope that it helps. You might squeeze in a walk or try a short meditation because it’s something you can manage.
These are great options, but before deciding what to do, I encourage you to pause to ask yourself: What would actually help me right now? or What do I really need right now?
The answer may be straightforward. Perhaps you’ve been concentrating on work for hours and haven’t eaten lunch. You might need to close your laptop and have something to eat without answering messages at the same time.
At other times, the need takes more thought. You may feel lonely despite spending your day surrounded by people. A conversation with someone you can be honest with could matter more than having time alone.
You won’t always be able to meet the whole need immediately, but recognising it gives you somewhere meaningful to begin.
Choose self-care that fits the moment
To keep things realistic, choose self-care that fits the moment, rather than establishing another routine that you have to maintain (especially if you’re likely to criticise yourself for not following through consistently).
If you’ve spent your lunch break organising appointments for the family, you might leave the remaining calls for another day and spend the last few minutes outside.
If you’re missing connection, consider who you can be yourself with and what kind of contact is manageable. You could send a friend a voice message about how you’re really doing, or suggest a short walk without needing to organise a whole afternoon together. When you do connect, allow some room for your own experience in the conversation. If you’re usually the person asking questions and checking on everyone else, it may take a little practice to say that you could use someone to listen too.
Some days, looking after yourself might mean choosing the easiest available dinner and sitting down while someone else clears up.
The value of these self-care options depends on the difference they make for you. A walk might feel welcome after hours at a desk. On another day, sitting quietly could be what you’ve been missing.
Small acts of self-care won’t resolve every pressure you’re under, but they are valuable because they create a little space for you within the circumstances you have today. Pay attention to whether they help, and allow your self-care to change with your circumstances.
Give yourself a little less to do at once 
Many women pride themselves on their multitasking skills. I agree that multitasking can be helpful, especially when one of the tasks requires very little brain power. However, in many cases, doing multiple things at once is actually very draining and can impact our ability to do the tasks well.
Giving your brain a lesser load for a short period of time can be a small act of self-care. Where you have some choice, try letting one activity have your attention. You might eat part of your lunch with your phone put away, or finish a task before opening the next message. You won’t always be able to avoid interruptions, but you can notice when you’re adding another demand unnecessarily.
You could also consider slowing down a little by taking a brief pause between activities. For example, before moving from work into the evening at home, take a moment to notice how you’re feeling and what you need as you make that transition.
There will be days when everything is urgent but on the days when you have a little more room to move, try slowing things down a little (you might even find you are even more productive and efficient as a result!).
Make room for self-care by reconsidering what you do
Sometimes we’ve done things a particular way for so long, we’ve stopped questioning whether that approach still serves us. Reconsidering your long-standing choices may reveal some opportunities to find time for yourself.
For example, many years ago I used to iron quilt covers, sheets and pillowcases because I liked how they looked and felt (and my mum always did the same). Eventually, I decided that the result wasn’t worth the time it took! Leaving it undone had very little consequence, and that time could be reallocated to me!
If reconsidering some of your choices feels really uncomfortable, it might be because they feel connected to the kind of person you want to be. You may take pride in being prepared or doing a thorough job. That can make a simpler dinner or a slower response to a non-urgent message feel uncomfortable, even when it is reasonable.
Look for 1 or 2 opportunities that feel manageable to begin with. Consider a recurring demand on your time. What would happen if you did it less often or more simply? Who would be affected, and how much would it matter?
You may discover that you’ve come to treat a preference as a requirement. Or you may be maintaining a standard that suited an earlier stage of your life and now costs more than you want to give it.
There will always be things that genuinely need your attention, but others can change or be let go, even if the change takes some getting used to.
Include other people in the solution
It’s difficult to make room for yourself if you remain responsible for noticing and organising everything that needs doing (yes, I’m talking about the mental load!).
Where responsibilities are shared, it can help to discuss ownership of a whole task. For example, taking responsibility for school lunches includes checking supplies, remembering when something needs replacing, as well as making sure lunch boxes are clean and ready to fill. That creates more space than just helping with the preparation of the food.
At work, consider asking which deadline takes priority when a new request arrives, rather than automatically extending your working day.
These conversations aren’t always easy, and the support available to each woman is different. You may be parenting alone or working with very little flexibility, so consider what could reasonably change in your circumstances. That may involve asking for specific support, but it can also mean reducing a commitment when more help is unavailable.
Involving others in making room for self-care is important because your wellbeing shouldn’t depend entirely on how efficiently you organise yourself around everyone else.
Notice when small adjustments aren’t enough
Sometimes a small act of self-care reveals how much you’ve been missing.
You might enjoy a quiet cup of tea and realise you can’t remember the last time you had an uninterrupted hour. Or a short conversation with a friend may remind you how rarely you get to speak about your own life.
That is important information.
If the same need keeps returning, it deserves consideration beyond what you can squeeze into today. You could write it down and choose a time to think about what meeting it more fully would require.
Perhaps you need a regular arrangement that gives you time away from caring responsibilities. You might need to revisit how much work you’ve taken on, or talk honestly with someone about how you’re managing.
You don’t have to solve it immediately, but keeping it in mind can highlight a pattern that would be worth addressing.
Respond to yourself with compassion
The way you respond to yourself during a difficult day is also part of how you care for yourself.
You might miss a deadline or speak sharply to someone, then spend the next few hours telling yourself you should be managing better. Self-compassion involves acknowledging what happened while considering the circumstances you were dealing with, and treating yourself with kindness and understanding.
Perhaps you were stretched too thin and need to reconsider what you agreed to do. Perhaps you owe someone an apology. You can take responsibility without turning a difficult moment into a judgement about your worth or ability.
Ask yourself what would help you respond constructively now. That might mean making a repair, asking for support or allowing yourself to stop replaying a mistake once you’ve addressed it.
This applies to self-care too. If you didn’t take the break you intended to take, be curious about what got in the way. That information can help you make a more workable plan.
Your wellbeing deserves a place in your day
You may feel some resistance when an opportunity to look after yourself finally appears. There is still work you could finish, and someone else could always benefit from your attention.
Pay attention to what you believe you must do before your own needs become reasonable. If the answer is that everyone must be happy and everything must be finished, you may be waiting for a moment that rarely (or never) comes.
For today, I encourage you to identify one need and choose a manageable response. Even a small act of self-care can be worthwhile when it meets something you need. Over time, the aim is to build a life in which your needs have a place in your day, even when work and motherhood ask a great deal of you.
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