How to quieten your inner critic

Do you ever speak to yourself in a way that you would never speak to someone else?

Harsher? Meaner? More irrational?

We all have a voice in our head that reminds us of the things we aren’t. That’s your inner critic.

Your inner critic might tell you that you’re not:

• Good enough
• Thin enough
• Pretty enough
• Likeable enough
• Smart enough
• Capable enough
• Loveable or worthy, or
• A good mum.

She might also focus on mistakes that you’ve made, things that have gone wrong, missed opportunities or dreams that you haven’t yet made a reality.

A 2016 survey (conducted by Weight Watchers as part of the WomanKind campaign in the UK) found that the average woman criticises herself 8 times per day (about anything, not just weight). 1 in 7 women said that they criticise themselves regularly throughout the day.

What about you? How regularly do you criticise yourself each day?

Or do you not even recognise it as criticism, because you’re so used to hearing it?

Maybe it just sounds like the truth.

 

 

Why do I have an inner critic?

Believe it or not, your inner critic actually has an honourable, though misguided, motive.

She wants to keep you safe.

She’s trying to protect you from anything she perceives or remembers as risky or threatening. Your inner critic doesn’t want you to experience hurt, disappointment, rejection, isolation, criticism (ironically) or failure.

So, she says what she says to try to get you to do something to avoid the threat. 

For example, when my son was younger, a few people (friends and family) were saying to me that I should take him to a speech pathologist because he might have delayed speech. I really didn’t feel this was the case, but it started to get to me a little (especially when my dad weighed in) and my inner critic started saying to me “You’re not qualified in this area, what would you know? If you don’t do this, you’re being a neglectful mother”. My inner critic was worried I would experience a parenting ‘fail’ and so was trying to get me to take action. I did end up (begrudgingly) taking action and it turned out that he was fine and I could have trusted my intuition and understanding of my son’s development.

Here’s another example:

You’re about to meet up with some other mums for the first time. Your inner critic might be worried that you’re going to be rejected. So she’ll say things like ‘Why are you going to this event? No one will talk to you! You’ll end up spending the whole time feeling awkward and you won’t make any friends anyway”. You decide not to go.

Or, perhaps this has happened to you at work:

You’re in a meeting with some senior leaders and you really want to contribute to the discussion. You know the topic and you’ve got valuable insights but your inner critic remembers the time you spoke up and someone dismissed your recommendation quickly. She says “They don’t value your opinion. There’s no point saying anything.” You stay quiet and listen.

 

Isn’t keeping me safe a good thing?

Despite the inner critic’s honourable intentions, the methods and results are not so positive.

You see, the threats that the inner critic are scared of, are often not real or unlikely to eventuate. They are often predictions of worst case scenarios. And while they save us from discomfort and threat in the short term, avoiding these situations doesn’t help us grow and learn to handle these situations.

Our brains need evidence that the perceived threat is not going to harm us, so to create this evidence, we need to take some risks (perhaps starting with the smaller ones and working our way up to stretchier ones).

Sometimes, our inner critic can highlight something that does need our attention. Maybe we do need to reword that email, think more carefully about our approach, or remember and apply a lesson we learned in the past. In cases like these, we can take the learning without handing all our power over to the inner critic. 

If you reflect on the language your inner critic uses, you might recognise that she uses some of these appraoches:

• Telling you things that aren’t true
• Using absolutes – “You’re always yelling at your kids.”
• Exaggerating – “Your eating habits are disastrous.”
• Black and white thinking – You’re a good mum or a bad mum, you can’t be anything in-between.
• Extreme judgements – “You’re so lazy” or “You’ll never be good at this”.

In doing so, your inner critic triggers feelings of guilt, shame, self-doubt and worthlessness. She doesn’t make you feel good about yourself. In fact, being overly self-critical is linked to low self-esteem, depression and anxiety.

Your inner critic is also repeating and reinforcing negative messages about yourself, and looking for evidence to back them up (“See, you yelled again. You’ll never be a calm mum”). This means that over time, your brain is believing more strongly that those messages are true when they aren’t balanced or necessarily true at all.

 

Other myths about the inner critic

People often believe that their inner critic helps motivate them to improve and get things done. But using self-criticism as a motivational tool actually limits us in the long run, because we won’t do anything really courageous or ‘risky’ in the eyes of our critic. It’s also very stressful and therefore unsustainable.

Similarly, people think that their inner critic helps them to analyse and think through situations realistically and carefully. But the inner critic is often not the voice of realistic thinking.

In her book, Playing Big, Tara Mohr describes the difference between realistic thinking and the voice of your inner critic beautifully. She says:

“The realistic thinker in us is forward moving. She seeks solutions. The critic will spin and spin, ruminating on the risks and worst-case scenarios. The critic often speaks in an anxious, emotionally charged tone. The realistic thinker is grounded, clear-eyed, calm.”

So, while your inner critic comes with good intentions, she’s not helping you move through life with confidence and ease.

 

 

Where does my inner critic come from?

You might be wondering, where this critical voice has come from.

She is inspired by and reflects back:

• Things you were criticised for as a child.
• The opinions of other people in your life or society in general (parenting decisions are great examples here. Think breastfeeding, vaccinating, co-sleeping, childcare, and so on).
• Your own unrealistic standards (hello, fellow perfectionists!).
• Stressful or traumatic events in your life. 
• The way your parents thought of themselves. For example, if your mother openly judged herself for her weight or body shape, you might notice your inner critic doing the same to you.

 

Since you’ve been well acquainted with your inner critic for a long time, you know her criticisms well. Your brain recalls them quickly and automatically. Something this deeply ingrained, doesn’t go away overnight. In fact, it’s unrealistic to think that your inner critic will ever be gone for good.

But you can feel more confident and extend yourself more love and compassion without eliminating your inner critic. You can learn to quieten the voice of the inner critic so she isn’t in control.

 

 

How to quieten your inner critic

1. RECOGNISE THE VOICE OF YOUR INNER CRITIC

This is the most important step. You must be able to distinguish the voice of your inner critic from the other thoughts in your mind, before you can quieten it.

If you find this difficult, start by spend some time at the end of the day reflecting on the critical things that you said to yourself, or ask someone close to you to point out anything critical they hear you saying about yourself regularly.

 

2. IMAGINE YOUR INNER CRITIC AS A SEPARATE PERSON TO YOU

If your inner critic is a separate person, then she doesn’t define you and you don’t have to listen to her. Rather than saying “I am not coping with this situation”, you can say “My inner critic is worried I am not coping.”

This can be even more effective if you give your inner critic a name and a persona. Be as detailed as you need to get a vivid image of her in your mind. For example, you might call her Joan and describe her as mean, nit-picky and very particular. She might wear very plain, clothes in dark colours and doesn’t like to stand out. I like to think of my inner critic as a scared younger version of me. Seeing her as a child, reminds me that she is vulnerable and needs love and compassion. 

If it feels helpful for you, you can even make this a little humorous. You may find that some of the things your inner critic says are actually quite amusing when you separate them from yourself. It’s hard to stay negative when you’re amused by something.

 

3. IDENTIFY WHAT YOUR INNER CRITIC IS TRYING TO PROTECT YOU FROM

Remember, your inner critic is trying to protect you. So, ask your inner critic “What are you trying to protect me from right now?” Or “What are you afraid of here?”.

Acknowledge her efforts compassionately by saying something like “Thank you for trying to protect me. I can handle this.” By doing this, you’re taking control of the situation back and not giving her opinions more weight than they deserve.

Approaching your inner critic with compassion is much more effective than getting angry with her. We need to understand rather than fight with our inner critic.

If there is something useful in what she’s saying, extract the lesson, but keep it separate to the criticism.

 

4. LOOK FOR OR CREATE NEW EVIDENCE 

The brain looks for evidence to support what it knows, so you can deliberately change the way you think by finding evidence that challenges the critical thoughts.

For example, imagine that today you didn’t have any time to sit and play with your children, without distraction. You’re feeling guilty and your inner critic is telling you that you’re a bad mum, and that your kids won’t feel loved, or be as connected to you. You feel like you failed today.

Think about the evidence that exists that you are a good mum, or that your kids do feel loved and are connected to you. You might need to zoom out and take a bigger picture look at the relationships you have with them, rather than focusing just on this one instance. Perhaps you read a story at bedtime and they gave you a hug and told you they loved you. Or today, you worked hard all day to provide for your family but yesterday you spent the afternoon playing at the park with them.

You can also plan to create new evidence for your brain of how you are being the mother you want to be. Keep it simple and meaningful, rather than some overwhelming effort to prove yourself (remember you already are a good mum!). Perhaps you could write a special note to put in their lunch box, or spend an extra 5 minutes sitting with them at breakfast asking them about the day ahead.

 

The goal isn’t to silence every critical thought

With these four steps, you can learn to quieten (not necessarily eliminate) your inner critic and respond to yourself with greater awareness, perspective and compassion.

This isn’t about thinking positively all the time or never doubting yourself again. It’s about recognising when your inner critic is trying to take control, and choosing your response.

Some days this will feel easier than others. There will still be moments when the criticism feels convincing, especially when you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, under pressure or navigating change. Those are often the times when we need self-compassion the most.

Remember that having an inner critic doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It means you’re human.

The goal isn’t to silence every critical thought. The goal is to stop treating those thoughts as facts.

You can acknowledge your inner critic’s concerns, thank her for trying to protect you, and then make your own decision about what happens next.

Over time, her voice will become quieter. And in the space that creates, a different voice has room to grow – one that is wiser, kinder and better able to see the whole picture of who you are.

A voice that remembers that one mistake doesn’t define you, one difficult day doesn’t make you a bad mother, and one moment of self-doubt doesn’t determine what you’re capable of.

That voice deserves your attention too.